Free Advice #5

Dear Jessica,

My only truly awful ex-boyfriend moved away last year. This week I'm in his new city, visiting friends and desperately avoiding running into him. However, somehow I ended up entangled with him again anyway...in the form of a new boy, who shares many of his faults. (Mind games, wishy-washiness, tender self-loathing, intimidating verbal dexterity/analysis.) Luckily new dude and I haven't gotten too deeply involved, and won't, but it freaks me out that I'm attracted to someone like this again.

There are nice, artsy, non-techy boys out there who like me and don't try to warp my brain. But I'm usually just not that into them. It's these wordy, noncommittal jerks who get me every time. Why, why, why? Why do people so often do the same bad thing over and over again? When we should know better???

JESSICA, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

--Tangled and confused


Dear Tangled and confused,

Your woe is one I know very well. Though I am not personally attracted to the exact type of dangerous boy you describe--I have recently realized that all the people I fall for share some major similar traits, too. Not necessarily good ones, either.

First I think you need to examine inside yourself what attracts you to these people despite the seemingly obviously warning signs. Is it purely physical? Or.. (more likely) is there something you admire or perhaps even identify in him that is actually a part of you as well? Or (even more likely) are there positive things in him you see and are attracted to / maybe you are letting all the perceived negative things get in the way since you feel so hurt from your ex? I'm not saying you should ignore these alarms going off in your brain about the new guy, but you should try to at least give him the benefit of the doubt. If he turns out to be bad news over time--he's bad news, the end. I mean, if he is really bad, you will find out without having to get too close to him. Essentially you are already "onto him".

As for these other guys out there that are nice and artsy, etc: there is probably something about them you know you are inherently incompatible with--and that is okay. You are not incompatible with them because they are nice, but probably something else you failing to admit right now because of your frustration with the very attractive bad news guy. Also, while it is true that people often make the same mistakes over and over again, you realizing that you are itching to travel down a familiar road you know is potentially (and again, familiarly) undesirable is the first step to not making the same mistake again. Ultimately though, people do what they want, even though they say otherwise. Also, almost everyone I know does not know what they want re: some part of their life. No one has it all together, and this is okay! Just be honest with yourself and the people close to you and everything will turn out okay. Nothing is wrong with you!


--


Since I only received one question this week.. I'm going to post a short list of my personal summer goals:

1. suck it up / be less sensitive
2. be stronger
3. know myself well enough to make decisions that are good for me (even and especially if they are hard)
4. learn how to cook
5. eat less sugar

Okay, until next week. Email me, don't be afraid! :)